the wonderful world of whining

yours truly

DID YOU KNOW?

being kind is TOTALLY FREE!! do your part to the world and be kind to someone TODAY, even if that 'someone' is yourself!

things you'll see me post about:

  • translation projects
  • fanfiction/original story writing
  • posts about indie japanese games i play
  • anything else i enjoy xoxo
CURRENTLY ▼ Reading:

- Megane tokidoki Yankee-kun
- Fall in love, you False Angels!
- K-9: Public Security Bureau, Division 9
- 404 Demons/Shikyakushiki

Playing:

- Poison Control (replay)
- Raidou: Remastered

Watching:

- Sentenced to a Hero
- The Devil Judge (2021)

translator things update 3/12/2026

I've been working nonstop on the translation for Regulus from Beyond the Clouds (Kumoma no Regulus) as of recently, often to the point of neglecting to eat because my ADHD causes me to hyperfixate. I don't know what's gotten me into such a frenzy, but I feel I can most likely attribute it to the fact that I recently finished up translating the Epilogue, which is the final part of the main story. That means all that is left for the translation is translating battle and item text, as well as npc dialogue and conversation.

Every time I complete one section, I realize there's still plenty more left to do. A part of me is glad that I'm getting so much progress in such a short amount of time, but equally so, I also can't help but feel guilty that I was incapable of doing anything last year. I'm aware it's not my fault I lost seven relatives in 2025 (and have lost two more already as of February), but I still can't help but feel I should've done more during that time. I feel tired all the time even now, but I hope that's more because of the seasons or forgetting to take my meds sometimes instead of something far more difficult to address like mental exhaustion due to nonstop family loss.

There are a lot of things I want to translate/am translating. I'm still working on the Chain Chronicle storyline on youtube, and I recently bought a second set of books of the Edogawa Ranpo Ijinkan manga to scan them, as the ones I found online were so bad and editing them was really painstaking. Naturally, I still have to continue translating the Akechi Kogorou manga I started... And then there's the Untold Story manga. The account on twitter posting the raws has decided to leave the BSD fandom at the end of the month, so I'll have to remind myself to download all of their scans soon. The first chapter YP put out was just so unprofessional to me, and when I showed it to fellow translator/scanlating friends, they initially started giving me suggestions on how to fix it before I told them 'No, this is actually... from an official digital release by YP.'

Finally, there's also the DCST book I'm being compensated to translate. I'm glad Heiji has been so kind and patient with me, but I do feel a sense of responsibility to try and be consistent because I don't want their kindness to go to waste.

So much translation, and so little time. I can hardly say I'm up to par with full-time translators either. I always have Jisho in a secondary tab. But at the very least, I'm not a machine or AI. I put consideration and human thought into what specific words I use, the way I phrase it, and if it would suit the character's personality or mannerisms. That in particular is something that machines cannot grasp in mere words alone, but it's important to reflect how the character will be perceived to everyone reading.

It's a really important job, don't you think, to be responsible for trying to relay the author's original vision and respect their intent with a character? As a writer, I guess that's why it irks me so damn bad when people act in bad faith or twist the wording of some parts or claim it's saying something it doesn't for the sake of their own gain like stupid ships or defending a fake character of fake things they did. Insulting the writer's original intent because of your own feelings is like you don't respect the writer at all for how hard they've worked... If you can't separate your own personal fan mind from something that a community as a whole will view and you are well aware you are a source people view as reliable, I just can't stand that. I think it's selfish and a slap in the face not just to the creator but your fellow fan as well. You have a duty to relay things as honestly as possible, and it's up to the audience to decide what it means or doesn't mean. Your preferences should never get involved or have influence over what will inevitably influence others.

Something something words have power, the pen is mightier then the sword and all that jazz.

If you need to twist the words of something for an entire community just to spare your own feelings or investment in a character or ship, maybe you shouldn't be a source of reliable information or material to begin with I guess. This isn't about anyone in particular, by the way... it's just something I think about and have seen happen over the years in my fandom, to the point a few years of mine was spent with always having the BSD novels by my desk because people were out there spouting all sorts of misinformation and causing distress and confusion to people who were being gaslit and thought they imagined something.

Learning Japanese is hard, but being able to relay the beautiful works that can only be found in Japanese medium makes it worth trying to share with a wider audience.

a reflection of BSD 129, and the 14 years it took to get here3/6/2026

This was always going to be the end.

The good ones who stood up for a true definition of heroism and peace will die to spit in the face of the system that would've taken pleasure in killing him themselves, and the villain goes with him.

From the moment Fukuchi ‘Genichirou’ Ouchi was introduced to the story, this was always going to be the end, even if you were to set aside the fact Asagiri-sensei himself has stated he had things planned from the very beginning. If we take into account he planned far ahead as to say Tachihara was designed from the start to be a spy, then this means that the Decay of Angels arc was surely also planned far in advance as well.

It’s been fourteen long years since Bungou Stray Dogs began, and I myself as a fan got into it not long after Fitzgerald’s introduction — so I suppose you can say that I’m as veteran as a fan can come.

I remember when Poe’s chapter first came out, and my much more amateur self started translating it, only for Dazaiscans to have been founded around this time and carry the torch that would burn for many years afterwards.

To spare anyone actually reading this for my perspective on the ending of this arc, I’ll do my personal opinions/analysis of it before going into much more personal stuff regarding BSD as the first part has come to an end... so here we go.

To pay homage to a document of old from the BSD fandom:

“In defense of the misunderstood hero of BSD, Fukuchi Ouchi”

Genichirou’s character is one of my all time favorites of the series. The intent behind his character and personality is perhaps one of my all time favorite concepts, for he is a man who, despite being one of the villains in the story arcs, there truly aren’t many others more pure in their intentions than him.

From a young age, when Genichirou was still just a young swordsman sparring with Fukuzawa, he had a goal in mind— a lofty, impossible goal that he still tried to aim for because that’s just how strong his ambitions were. Genichirou was so determined in his skills that he truly believed he could create world peace.

He believed in his country, in his government, in the soldiers, and human beings at their core to want to exist in a world that is free from suffering, war, and strife of all kinds.

That love for humanity is naive, for certain, but also shows just how much Genichirou truly loved the world around him and wanted to protect people who were weaker than him.

A tale as old as time began, with a starry eyed young man who wanted to become a hero joined his nation’s army, only to realize that everything he believed was a joke. A lie. A sham.

His country was not acting in the best interest of their own people or the world, and they did not follow the rules of human beings.

Because of his power and strength, Genichirou was used and abused as a weapon of the government. He was forced to do inhumane things in the ‘name’ of Japan, his country he thought the world of and was proud to be a part of. He tortured and maimed women, children, and the elderly by his own admission, and how much it hollowed out his heart when he admitted this could be read on his face. It’s not hard to imagine just how much he was forced to do, and what he had to do in response to keep himself in one piece.

To top it off, before his entire world was destroyed in this way, Fukuzawa had completely denied his request to join him in the battlefield— and Genichirou faced this horror of humanity all alone. Fukuchi Genichirou died and was reborn on that battlefield of blood, and what survived was a monster of self-preservation, hatred, and desperation.

He thought if his country was this evil, if the outside world was this selfish, then the only thing to do would be to change everything from the inside out. He would twist the metaphorical body of the world inside out, expose all of its flesh and organs and start anew.

There’s no telling when specifically this goal of his began. We don’t know when he got ahold of Ame-no-gozen, or where he got it, even though we see the sword being used on multiple missions in the past prior to him becoming the leader of the Ryoken.

But we do know that Fyodor manipulated the information Genichirou learned within Ame-no-gozen that a war would destroy the entire world, as this was his driving force for all of his actions within the Decay of Angels arc. We can surmise that, with Atsushi being sent to the past in the last chapter of part 1, he will at some point cross paths with Fyodor from the past, as this explains why Fyodor knew Atsushi’s existence in DEAD APPLE— and, likewise, he will find some way to taint the truth within Ame-no-gozen.

For years and years, Genichirou did not doubt this truth from Ame-no-gozen. His desperation to protect other people and the world at large left him blind to consider that perhaps even otherworldly things can be falsified somehow, which is perhaps an intended irony when contrasted to his use of the Book’s page to change the public’s perception of the Armed Detective Agency and turn them into wanted criminals.

Because of how he was so violently disillusioned from his time fighting in the Great War, Genichirou came to the ugly yet real truth of humanity: they cannot be unified under a mutual belief in peace and hope. There will always be humans that view other people as subhuman, animals, and creatures that should be eradicated without batting an eye. World peace cannot be achieved through the same hope he had when joining in the fight.

The war taught him that there was perhaps only one way for the world to be unified— under the same violence that made him come to hate his own government.

The only time humans are truly united is when there is a mutual enemy; an existence that everyone hates so much that all other prejudices pale in comparison.

Humans can only come together by a mutual hate.

So, Genichirou made the decision to become an enemy of the entire world so the entire world could unite against him.

We don’t know what his ideal world would’ve looked like, had he won.

Would the entire world have been enslaved to the vampire infection, and everyone just went on living as mindless zombies obeying his command to not fight with each other precisely because he was controlling them all?

Would he have kept things small with the ‘Army of Humanity’ and dragged things out so the rest of the world would remain united against the same cause, and perhaps someday forget about their prejudice?

There’s no telling, and even if we chose one of those options, it’s clear what the flaws in these decisions are: both options still result in mass death, which is antithetical to Genichirou’s desire to not cause more harm and death, as he told Fukuzawa he had a set number of people he was willing to sacrifice.

Even when accepting the role as a villain, Genichirou couldn’t stomach creating more deaths when he had done so much evil already for the sake of a government that went on existing as if nothing was wrong. After all, they would throw him away as a pawn the second anything was exposed; he would be labeled as some rogue soldier who enacted violence beyond imagination without government authority, and would be punished in their stead.

It’s undeniable that Genichirou loathed every damn second pretending to be a part of the society that destroyed his hopeful view in the world, but he pushed through and gained more and more power and fame knowing he would inevitably get rid of them some day.

When was the Decay of Angels formed, we have to ask?

We know that V was a prototype to the DOA (hehe, and if i may take a second, I called it years in advance and Asagiri-sensei confirmed this when the episode dropped.)

We don’t know if Genichirou was involved in V, but we DO know that Fyodor was and presumably stalked Ranpo and Fukuzawa ever since then. (Fan behavior.)

If V involved Genichirou, that would mean he started his plan of revenge not long after the war came to an end. If he wasn’t, how did he come to create the DOA? How did he meet Fyodor? What could have possibly been said or shared between them to allow Genichirou to believe there was any layer of trust or cooperation?

When we think about that stuff, we can see the naivety of his youth is still there; he still believes in the idea of world peace, and that there are people out there who share this hope for the world.

And Fyodor has proven himself to feed upon this selfless naivety with gluttonous viciousness.

Simultaneously, Fyodor also seemed to be scared of Genichirou to some degree and avoided trying to get into any conflict with him. He was well aware of Genichirou’s power and devotion to his cause of making himself the enemy of everyone for worldwide unification against him, and exposing himself and his own agenda would make Genichirou come at him with aggressive force— which is exactly what happened when Genichirou was freed from being controlled by Fyodor as the Divine One.

If Fyodor was going to be a threat to the entire world, Genichirou was going to be the one to take him out.

Because, at the end of the day, Genichirou is still a man who earned his title truthfully— He is the protector of humanity. He is their hero.

Genichirou’s intention for humanity was pure, no matter the methods he chose to implement.

In the face of Fyodor’s actions, he was the bigger threat to people and the peace of humanity.

I don’t think Genichirou wanted to die. Even if this was always going to be the end to us, I truly think that. I think he wanted to live long enough to see the world peace he envisioned become a reality.

He wanted to cement this dream into reality so he could perhaps look at Fukuzawa and say ‘Look, I made my dream come true as well.’

Maybe then he would have apologized for everything. Maybe they would have made amends. There are so many maybes that could have happened, but were never meant to be.

Even at the very end, Fukuzawa understood the reasons behind Genichirou’s actions and that his intentions were pure.

Teruko, too, knew his intentions were pure, which is why he probably enlisted her help towards the very end.

Genichirou and Teruko are a reflection of Fukuzawa and Ranpo— a glimpse into what could have become of them at any point, if they were unlucky at any time or did anything different.

Just like Fukuzawa, Genichirou came to a young Teruko in a time of need, when she had all but given up on living. His hand was her salvation, and she decided to devote every inch of her being to him— a blind devotion that is so hard to come by. Even though Genichirou and Ranpo only met once a decade ago, I can’t help but wonder if it was somehow intentional; an attempt to replicate what Fukuzawa had, to understand why he was so happy with his new life, but their circumstances were so different that even if Teruko and Ranpo share a similar blind, vicious devotion to their leaders, Teruko wasn’t enough to be the salvation to save Genichirou from himself the way Ranpo and Fukuzawa are like that for each other.

Tecchou’s straightforward heroism that surely reminded Genichirou of his younger self wasn’t enough.

Tachihara’s belief in proper justice and confronting Genichirou honestly wasn’t enough.

Jouno’s pragmatic personality understanding that, even if he didn’t care about the world or humanity at large, what Genichirou was doing wouldn’t accomplish the outcome he envisioned... because, whether Jouno wanted to admit it or not, he was swayed to some degree by the driving ideals of the Ryoken... it wasn’t enough either.

Genichirou perhaps could not forgive the idea of someone like him being saved, when those usually saved by the Ryoken were truly innocent civilians who were in desperate need of help.

(And yet... wasn’t he also so desperate and in need?)

The DOA arc focused so heavily on Genichirou and Ranpo going head to head, instead of Fukuzawa vs Genichirou as you would expect.

Genichirou and Ranpo had this mutual obsessive jealousy towards each other.

They wanted what the other had more than anything, and didn’t hesitate to weaponize it against the other out of petty selfishness (For Genichirou, it was how long he and Fukuzawa had known each other; for Ranpo, it was being with Fukuzawa NOW and being the life Fukuzawa chose.)

Genichirou intentionally targeted the agency, knowing its origins and how much it meant to Ranpo. Every time he and Ranpo were in close proximity, he tried his hardest to attack, hurt, or attempt to kill Ranpo altogether. His obsession was never masked very well.

Even when ordering the other Ryoken, he did it with Ranpo and his intelligence in mind, as seen by Teruko thinking about Ranpo because Genichirou had warned her that he would be their biggest adversary.

And yet— or perhaps precisely because of— this mutual jealousy and obsession, there is also a mutual respect towards the other’s skill and intelligence. Genichirou never underestimated Ranpo, and Ranpo put so much of his orders and guidance towards the other members to ensure they’d avoid crossing paths with Genichirou as much as possible. Because he is well aware of Genichirou’s skills, and he also knows Genichirou would stop at nothing and even weaponize other members of the Agency to force the others out of hiding.

When Ranpo put all the pieces together regarding who Kamui was and what his goal/’true path’ was, there is a moment where he’s conflicted and at a loss for words. Not only was Fukuzawa’s belief in his friend ‘wrong’, but Ranpo’s choice to trust in Fukuzawa’s belief in his friend put them in a bad spot. He said he was wrong.

I don’t think it’s because Fukuzawa was so blinded and easily convinced by Genichirou, but rather, the genuine belief in his selfless goal was completely real. He didn’t have to fake that part of his act that went on for over a decade.

And even at the end of it all, it wasn’t as if Genichirou’s core goal was ‘wrong’ — he wanted world peace, and he sought for the best option by taking into consideration the evil of humanity he was forced to participate in. He made Fukuzawa the true controller voice of One Order not just because he trusted Fukuzawa, but because he knew that Fukuzawa knew what his true dream was, and he was never meant to remain alive as the ‘true evil’ to unite the world.

The word ‘hero’ is such an overused term. It’s often used to flippantly and childishly these days, and it’s interpreted as something embarrassing, almost—

There’s certainly no single definition for what it means to be one either, or what the requirements are... but in terms of a hero in its most cliche, honest, and straightforward of definitions, Fukuchi Ouchi is a perfect example of that.

An illustrious warrior or soldier.

A person who shows great courage.

A person admired for their achievements and noble qualities.

The central figure in an event, period, or movement.

An object of extreme admiration and devotion.

All of those definitions define him.

I think it’s safe to say that somewhere along the way, Genichirou realized that the path he chose to enact world peace was tainted thanks to Fyodor. The purity of his wish and the naivety of the remaining goodness in his heart was taken advantage of to help Fyodor’s agenda, and if his ignorance had helped manifest such a thing, then he should be the one to end it once and for all.

I think even Fyodor acknowledges that there is nothing more fearsome than a selfless, pure heart.

All of the years he toiled away in hatred, loathing, spite, pain, and an amalgamation of other emotions were tossed aside and he died just as the person he started his life as a soldier as: a selfless hero sacrificing his life and soul to protect his people, and the world at large.

Humanity’s greatest hero.


Note: everything else below the readmore is personal thoughts on the series and you're not obligated to read it.

read more To begin again from before:

It’s been fourteen long years since Bungou Stray Dogs began, and I myself as a fan got into it not long after Fitzgerald’s introduction — so I suppose you can say that I’m as veteran as a fan can come.

I remember when Poe’s chapter first came out, and my much more amateur self started translating it, only for Dazaiscans to have been founded around this time and carry the torch that would burn for many years afterwards.

I remember the years of my favorite character being missing, the elation of another one of my headcanons being proven canon in the series, the community events that fans of the series would come up with together, and of course, most importantly: the friendships I have made as a result of being into this series.

It’s a little funny and ironic to look back on now at my age.

I actually got into this series because of an old abuser, who forced me into dating him by suicide baiting me when the same day I had confessed to someone else. I was too scared of the idea of someone dying because of me, and the me from back then was a pathetic, cowardly thing. My relationship with that person and all our mutual friends was completely destroyed, and thus began my isolation with this person. He would guilt trip and threaten self-harm whenever I didn’t want to do something or couldn’t because of irl responsibilities or I felt too uncomfortable. He forced me to do sexual acts with him or he’d guilt trip, throw a fit, or, again, threaten self harm.

It was hard. It was painful. He would tell me in great detail how he wanted to kill my friends and anyone I spoke to because he wanted me all to himself, and that I was ‘cheating’ on him just for writing fictional anime ships with other people in ye olde tumblr rp community.

Yet somehow, I still remember staying up until 4 or 5am for season 1 episodes to drop and watch them as soon as they came out. No subtitles or anything, just pure raw video. It was such an elating experience, to finally see my favorite characters move and speak.

Even if I was forced into BSD, forced into ‘kinning’ Chuuya because my abuser ‘kinned’ Dazai and wanted to ‘kindate’, my love for BSD, its characters, and its world was truly real. I fell in love with Ranpo at first site, and it’s ironic how I loved Dazai/Ranpo as a ship because my abuser kinned Dazai and thus roleplayed him with my Ranpo.

I remember when I cut my abuser off. I went completely offgrid for 3 days. At the time, my mother was trying to leave my father because she was tired of his control and abuse, and gained assistance with a small apartment. Me and my sibling stood with her when she broke the news, and I stayed with my mom as much as I could in that apartment, while my sibling couldn’t accept not having wifi and therefore couldn’t commit to actually leaving... even though we were both so miserable in that house.

When I got back, I cut him off. Talking to someone like him is pointless because he won’t listen to reason, so I did what most people do— I sent an essay of my intents, the reasons why, and blocked him before he could respond. On social apps, on tumblr, on skype (because discord wasn’t around/mainstream then), and even blocked his number. I was cripplingly scared, and I had every right to be.

His response was to have a violent breakdown, hunting down everyone we mutually knew, threatening suicide to them, begging them to convince me to talk to him, so on and so forth. He even managed to find my younger sibling’s tumblr with equally threatening messages of suicide or self harm, and they had just only entered middle school at the time.

Nothing was off limits for him.

That’s why, as a last resort, he made himself a ‘victim’.

Problematic discourse was just getting itself off the ground in that time, so he made a long essay about me on his rp blog that I was a pedophile who preyed on him, because I was 20 at the time, and he was 17. My birthday (may) came before his (august), and he made use of this gap where it seemed like I was older than I was to accuse me of grooming him, of isolating him, making him do things he didn’t want even though those were all things he did to me. And perhaps he could say those things precisely because he knew he did them himself.

It severely traumatized me. I had folders upon folders of receipts on his behavior as a last resort when he wouldn’t stop getting my friends and own blood family involved, and yet, this post of his with no receipts of his own that no one believed truly damaged something in me. It was my first time being equated with something I suffered from, which I hadn’t even properly confronted myself with at the time. Back then, it left me with panic attacks and I checked every account I came across with aggressive suspicion and paranoia.

Now, it just makes me mad.

Not long after I made that callout on him, when callouts were used as intended scenarios as a last resort, I was eventually approached by some other people who were harmed by him, apparently.

I learned that, in viciously disgusting irony, despite calling me a pedophile, he had met up with a 12-13 year old child in person and had inappropriate physical relations with them, when he was already 18.

It was someone I knew when stuck with him, who at the time said they were 16 or 17 if memory serves correct.

But when you meet a 12 or 13 year old, you can tell they’re a child. There’s no way you can’t.

The fact he said the golden line of ‘they lied about their age/they didn’t look that young’ when confronted made me feel sick. Not just because... how could you fucking say that, but because I wondered if I stayed around a little longer, would I have noticed? Could I have saved them from that? I felt so guilty for unknowingly leaving a child with a violent predator like him, and even now, it gnaws on me. Even if I know there’s probably no way I could’ve known or would’ve noticed, I didn’t want anyone else to suffer from him. I wanted to be the last to deal with that sort of treatment from him.

Wherever they are... I really hope they’re alright. I hope they’re alive. I hope they’ve healed even a little. I hope they don’t blame themself. I hope they at least turn their hate towards me instead.

Despite all of the things I suffered from him, my love for BSD never faded. I never felt any type of way towards Dazai or Chuuya. I loved Dazai/Ranpo with all my heart. I saw that the tag only had 4 or 5 fics when I wanted to start posting fanfic, and was determined to fill it up as much as I possibly could.

Funnily enough, my fanfic Turnover Game was actually written for some rp prompt during that time period when I was still interacting with my abuser. You’d think I’d have deleted it... but no.

When I cut him off, some part of me must’ve decided I would make BSD solely mine. I wouldn’t let him influence something that I loved, even if he introduced me to it.

And here I am, over a decade later.

I’ve met so many dear friends. I’ve lost some of them too. I got better at Japanese. I learned how to commission artists. I fell in love with people. I watched some of them leave. I met with people I encountered here, had so much fun, and have memories I will truly never forget.

I’ve been stalked. I’ve been harassed. I’ve been accused of heinous things. I chased out a person who was a truly dangerous individual towards kids, and his followers did everything in their power to smear my name.

I befriended some of the most popular artists and writers in this fandom, and watched almost all of them leave with heavy hearts because they couldn’t stand the cruelty that had built in this fandom over time. I watched my friends leave for the same reasons, and understand the lingering bitterness in their hearts from what they had to deal with.

Perhaps it’s because my introduction to BSD was so violent that I can remain. I’ve never questioned my ability to stay or continue to love this series.

Maybe I’m still clinging to the ghost of the fandom far before I was wholly active on twitter, and there was a thriving community who interacted so fondly with one another on tumblr and through messages to plan something that truly united people together by their love for the series.

I have never forgotten. I mourn its presence the same way you reminisce when you move a family heirloom, and the spot it took up is spotless amongst the dust.

It’s still there. It never stopped being there. But it’s different now. It can never be the same as it was before. You think it doesn’t really suit being on its new shelf, but you can’t do anything about it.

I’ve suffered more traumatizing scenarios than what that evil guy did to me that would’ve made any normal person leave, but still I remain.

It’s hard to imagine what sort of person I would be without BSD and Ranpo.

I truly love this story and cherish the people and memories I have made thanks to loving this series. I want to see it through to the end and be able to reflect on all the things about me that have changed when that true final chapter is released.

I don’t think a story needs to be perfect in order to be loved or good.

I’m a pussy that hates character death, for example, so the constant fake outs don’t bother me at all even if it’s a complaint a lot of people I know have. It’s a little funny, actually, because in my earliest stories I’ve written, I was always too eager to kill off the main character for some divine tragedy that would linger as a shadow over the world.

As much as we have an ideal vision of a story, we can’t apply our expectations so insistently and get upset when that idea doesn’t happen.

You can love something as intensely as you want, but at the end of the day, it still isn't yours to decide.

In recent posts, I've sounded somewhat aggressive in my reaction to people's thoughts on the recent chapter, but I don't think my feelings have changed.

Even if you've loved BSD for one year, five years, or even over ten years like me, if it truly makes you angry, frustrated, depressed or disappointed— it's okay to say goodbye. Time is never wasted if it's used on something you love, something that made you smile, something that gave you memories and friends you'll hold dear forever. Those will always be a part of you and will always exist. You can always come back. That is truly miles better than stubbornly sticking with something out of sunk cost fallacy or a sense of responsibility, and eventually coming to loathe anything involving it.

I doubt anyone who feels like that will read this far, let alone have their thoughts changed, by someone like me... but even so, my love for BSD and its community hasn't changed.

There are people who hate me, who spread misinformation about me, who get me barred from community events, who have sent me messages telling me to kill myself— and even so, I love them too. I want them to be free to participate in events and make friends even if they have no qualms sabotaging my own chances. Perpetuating a cycle won't help anyone. Really, I just feel bad that they’re so unhappy they have to resort to this sort of hatred.

I want people to have fun together and bond over their love of the characters and literature for years to come.

Things are far from good in this fandom. There's so much hate and aggression, not just towards each other, but even the creator of the series for self-inflicted misconceptions when we have known these characters like they're our neighbors.

Things have been hard on people for years now, and I can only surmise they're trying to grapple some sort of control in one of the few things they have some sort of say in, which is their hobbies. They want to escape from the lack of power and options they have in their life or the world at large, and I understand that. I want to believe most of the people dedicating themselves to so much fighting and discourse have this problem... but this is a community, at the end of the day. Your interpretation and your love is yours, and yours alone. No one can take that from you, and you have no right to take it or change it for anyone else.

After BEAST released, I believe a fan question prompted Asagiri-sensei to say a certain quote that sticks with me to this day— but I can't find the specific source link. I can't phrase it verbatim, but the gist was “What other universes are there in relation to the book?” and Sensei replied, “any sort of alternate universe is possible with the book; so many that not even I can fathom. Surely there's even a universe where Dazai and Chuuya even left the mafia together.”

It was a very kind thing to say. He didn't have to say it, but giving your fans something like that to imply all of our silly aus and fantasies have a place in the multi-verse of the Book within BSD, HIS story and creation, is truly great. It's clear he has consideration for those with various ideas and interpretations. None of us are wrong, and we can all love our own hand-sculpted universal interpretation of BSD. The meaning behind what one character says in your view of BSD will be different from someone else's, and that makes every one of our fan experiences unique. I think condemning the interpretation of others would be going against the hopes and ideas that Asagiri-sensei had crafted.

If you're angry at him, if your interpretation is so negative towards him or the series, maybe it means that you don't love the series the way you once did. And that's okay.... but we all fell in love with this series because of its richly written characters and unique plot, didn’t we? He has always treated them with care, as he has always treated our love of the series with care.

We should also treat our own love of BSD with care, and cherish it without breaking it over expectations or overstaying longer than our hearts can withstand.

I hope that the hiatus between now and part 2 will at least be a few months. I think it would be a good thing for people to sit back and parse their feelings about this series that’s so dear to not just me, but a lot of people; what it meant to them in the beginning, and what it means now. Why do they stay? What reasons do you have for leaving? Are you happy? Or, does interacting with other people from this series fill you with negative emotions?

No matter what happens in the future, for the story and for us as fans, I hope we’ll take into consideration that Asagiri-sensei wants to share the story he’s envisioned with us, for us to be a part of something he loves dearly. I want to see that through to the end. No matter what age I end up being, I’m determined to be right here, still loving this series and all of the people who love it alongside me with all I can.

Thank you, Asagiri-sensei, for creating Bungou Stray Dogs.

Thank you, fans of Bungou Stray Dogs around the world, no matter what language barriers and different opinions we may have.

holiday birthday2/9/2026

valentines is coming soon. it's the birthday of my mother's father, my grandpa on her side.

she has always told me that i was really attached to him when he was still around, but i can't remember anything. he died before my sibling was born, so the oldest i could've been was four years old. i do have one strong memory related to him, but it's after he died. for whatever reason, i distinctly remember asking where he was to my grandma and mom, and i think my grandma was the one who told me that he was sleeping under the house. (later on, i would learn what was actually said was that he was under my grandma's bed, because that's where she kept his ashes, but kids are weird.)

so i picked a handful of dandelions from outside the house and crawled under the dining room table— it was a small house, with a kitchen just as small. the table was a perfect square glass table, with a tablecloth that changed depending on the seasons and what holiday was coming up next. under the table was a heating vent, and honestly, i still don't know why it was essentially in the middle of the floor in the kitchen........ but it was there.

and tiny child me just spoke into the vent for my grandpa, because i thought he was sleeping 'under the house'. i told him to wake up, and asked why he wasn't coming out. when you're a kid, you really do odd things.

i do have to wonder what kind of person i'd be if he had lived a full life like grandma did; how things might be different for my mom if her dad was there to tell her that what she deals with isn't what a normal relationship should be like.

maybe he would've been a proper father figure in place of the one i have. wouldn't that have been nice.

untitled1/22/2026

the day before yesterday, my coworker/friend had a seizure at work. it was honestly a little scary because seizures always seem so intense, for lack of a better word, but i was glad that i was there when it happened at least. i managed to catch him and keep him from hurting his head and kept him on his side as it happened and i suppose i have my autism to thank for being able to remain so calm. it was my first time having been there when it happened with someone.

the internet might suck these days, but i'm always glad when things you learned from it can be applied to stuff you do or see in the real world. while i'm sure that i've been told in person by someone at some point how to approach someone having a seizure, i mainly remember learning all of this stuff from the internet. at their core, i think most people truly believe in the internet's use for good, connecting people, and offering help when you aren't even aware it will be helpful to you until the moment where it is.

he didn't come into work the next day, but that was expected. we're going to get a different manager soon, so i don't know who it is yet, but i want to tell whoever it is that they shouldn't assign him to work a week straight ever again. his auntie works with us too in a different department, and she mentioned the last time he had a seizure was because he was assigned so many days as well... it's really not good on the body and mind, especially for those with disabilities.

he's been dealing with a lot of stuff lately on top of working so much, so it feels like it was an inevitable thing... i don't like phrasing it that way, though. i don't think suffering should be some inevitable we factor in. i genuinely can't understand why some managers/bosses don't consider past situations or concerns at all and overwork their staff. he isn't even a full time worker. i'm the only one in our group who is. he shouldn't even be assigned hours like that.

i'm just glad that he's okay. i was told his epilepsy meds were adjusted as well, so here's hoping that the new manager we get won't be a bozo and his meds will be helpful. i'll probably see him tomorrow. maybe i'll wake up early and bring him some breakfast to welcome him back?

just tired1/18/2026

something nice to come out of the past few days: some firefighters regularly come into the store to do their shopping, as i believe they spend days at a time at the station in case anything happens so they need food. one of them was looking for a certain thing we didn't sell anymore, so i told them they could have ten dollars off instead since employees can offer that every so often.

the firefighter was really happy and even came back around a second time to thank me again and make sure he got my name right, which was nice. :) if i had to trust any sort of government funded group to help or save me, it would definitely be a firefighter.

i was glad i could make someone happy. i usually carry quarters in my pocket to give to the kids that are walking around the store with their parents, so they can use it at the canady machines upfront... but i haven't taken any cash out recently, so i haven't been able to.

in some less happy news, another relative has died. we weren't related i guess, but he was my aunt's father, so it's not like i never met him. when i was younger and still lived in my home state, my family would visit my uncle's house often, and it was big enough to accomodate my aunt's parents too, so everyone could get together and play poker.

i liked going over there because, since they played poker so often with real money, i'd find a ton of loose change literally everywhere on the floor around the house. i'd have a bunch of quarters and stuff by the time we left.

I'm not able to go to the calling hours because I have work... so i feel bad i can't go with my parents. i hope my cousins are doing alright, it's been a while since i last saw any of them.

hopefully this will be the last death for a while. 6 in one year last year was a lot on me. i'm tired of being tired.

even 'love language' has miscommunication, doesn't it? 1/13/2026

my coworkers and i were told to prepare by management for a big clearout of a lot of excess merchandise last week, and i had offered to get up early to buy my two coworkers coffee and breakfast so we could be wide awake and be able to get through the day the best we can. i ended up buying half a dozen donuts for a few other coworkers who were helping, and it was nice to be thanked. this is the second time that I've bought food/lunch for the people I work with and I don't mind it.

i've long since known that the way i express affection to people i like or care about is giving them things, buying them food, or making them sweets. i've spent tons of money on people in the past, because i don't know how else to get my feelings across. mainly because i don't believe my feelings are coming across, like it sounds as empty as words often sound to me.

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i've talked plenty on a bunch of other websites about my father being verbally abusive and an absent parental figure who has never paid much attention to anyone unless it was for the sake of himself. i never received any sort of kind words from him, and promises made would always be broken without fail. when you're a kid it's stuff like, going to disneyland, taking a vacation to the beach, things like that— and as you grow older, and nothing ever promised comes true even for the littlest of things that mattered a lot to you, any words of love, support, or generosity don't feel real anymore. they're just words being said for the sake of being said.

i always feel bad that there are so many times where the kind words of my friends who are trying to lift me up when i'm down don't make me feel anything, because i know they mean it. i'd hope they mean it, at least, but i've lived so long never taking any good words seriously without some sort of evidence that it's the truth. and to me, that was only ever made clear when i received presents on my birthday or christmas. (at least, when i was still given things. i'm not anymore.)

it makes me sound materialistic and it's always made me feel nauseous with discomfort because i feel so guilty at the thought of people giving up anything of theirs or sacrificing anything for me. it's contradictory, i know. i insist i don't need anything ever!!! but deep down i really want it. i do. i want this tangible evidence of love being offered to me so badly. i want to be surprised with gifts. i want to be given things i like. it's the only way i can ever feel like i mean anything because i wasn't raised to believe that the people around me actually care, that they're just saying it to say it. saying it to appease me to i shut up, because it really is so easy to appease me.

i've donated to a lot of people all the time in the bsd fandom for instance because i like them and want them to know i like and care about them. one time, i donated to vik for a week straight on top of the commission they were sending me snippets of at the time. it was fun to see them so animated, and it felt like affectionate teasing you do when talking with friends. i've sent lex extra money just because he's always dealing with some bullshit, and i refuse to let him deal with things without some compensation from the psychic damage. i commission art of ships my friends like to gift them, and when i'm able, i'll write fics for them too.

in this day and age on the internet, where everyone is much more hostile and inherently assumes the worst of people, this way of me expressing my love has felt even more conflicting. i've seen posts in the past float around with infographics that share the signs of oncoming abuse— gift giving, money giving, love bombing. whenever i see it, i feel weird. because i do that, but i'm not trying to hurt anyone? i have no ill intention? i just get excited at the idea of being close with someone and having another person i can care about. i have literally no other way of feeling i am convincingly expressing what i'm feeling other than this, but being too nice to people these days can even lead to being accused of being an abuser or a groomer. i've even been told some have actually called me that, albeit for their own very bad intentions. which is bold, considering.

i just don't know. when i say the words of affection, i mean them, but reading them out makes me feel as if they're not real. words don't ever need to mean anything. humanity just made this all up to communicate with one another, but for me, it feels like there's some invisible barrier. like what i'm saying can't be conveyed with human words. so i get really frustrated.

historically, there have been so many people influenced and emotional because of simple words. they make a living speaking words, expressing emotions. maybe it's because those listening truly believe those words mean something, they have actual impact or influence. writers, poets, singers, artists— trying to communicate with the rest of the world is one of the most important ways it's used in humankind.

and for some people, it's just a bunch of nothing to get a 16 year old who needs help with his math homework to shut up and leave you alone.

everything i've ever given, i've given it with sincerity and care. i think it's probably thanks to my mom that i gained this particular trait in the first place, because she's always thinking of other people and sacrificing everything she wants to do to for their own sake. she always buys me one of those two dollar chocolate boxes for valentines, and stocking stuffers sweets during christmas. when i'm too mentally exhausted to cook and/or my father bought take out for himself again so it's either find something at home or starve, she'll offer to make me an egg or grilled cheese. (it's always an egg or grilled cheese.) she's constantly painting something, making some sort of craft for her family members, and printing decorations out at the library to make sure it's something they'd love.

she's always keeping other people in mind when she buys things or does things.

she's the only one i know with confidence loves me, when she says she loves me.

maybe it's just because she's my mother, but if that were true, one would think i'd feel some iota similar towards my father, but i don't. nothing 'kind' he has ever said matters anymore. rest assured, all the negativity, threats, and violence has never lost its effect.

i don't know. this is all to say, it made me happy to feel someone genuinely appreciated what i gave them. i have no qualms about it being my 'love language' and the only way i feel satisfied is 'proper affection'... but i know there are people out there who maybe aren't comfortable with it. they don't want to feel like they have some sort of obligation or responsibility to do xyz or talk with you or anything.

i guess it's kind of funny that while my love language is gift giving/materialistic, i myself am avoidant of it because it makes me feel guilty.

i say i'm stupid for a reason. i'm losing track of my train of thought now... so this is all.

i hope i can be loved some day.

ho hum 1/12/2026

I realized too little too late that this theme doesn't have a tagging system built into it, compared to the other one made by this creator that does. When I have a better understanding of coding and don't just rely on templates, maybe I'll adjust it on here... I'm just really attached to the cute Madoka chibi on the pinned post of the blog, so I want to keep him there. He is watching you... He's also an asshole and I care him dearly.

Anyway, here's to hoping that making a neocities and a blog to go with it will help my productivity and mental positivity because well. Right now, it's just rough to be on twitter. I stay there to keep updated with how my friends are doing as well as the posts of my favorite dazai/ranpo creators but otherwise, being there is miserable. People are filled with so much hate and a sense of moral self-righteousness over even the simplest of conversation topics. Not everything you like, talk, or think about needs to be critically picked apart.

Quite frankly, as tedious as it is to learn coding to make posts and stuff, it makes me cherish what's finished a little more because I put a stupid amount of effort in it.

Especially the gallery of all my commissions! I've been having so much fun uploading them and checking out how it looks on the page itself. I'm glad I stumbled upon that theme... But I'm not too happy about the download feature. It's dumb and I don't want my commissions downloaded anyway.

I'll figure out how to completely get rid of it eventually.

xoxo 1/12/2026

wanna know a secret?

come closer... i will tell you...

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i love daran

xoxo 1/12/2026

WHATEVER. GO MY RCHIMEDES.

he him

a lot of people don't know what my handle i use everywhere (if it's available) is actually from but it's this guy

very few characters have changed my entire brain circuitry and trajectory of my life like rchimedes

he he he

one day we'll get a timeline where he's happy with his family.........

xoxo 1/12/2026

And so the journey commences...

beloved in another beloved's clothes

This is a test post and I didn't know what to put here so here's art a friend drew for me like four years ago of Rchimedes in Ranpo's outfit.