being kind is TOTALLY FREE!! do your part to the world and be kind to someone TODAY, even if that 'someone' is yourself!
the day before yesterday, my coworker/friend had a seizure at work. it was honestly a little scary because seizures always seem so intense, for lack of a better word, but i was glad that i was there when it happened at least. i managed to catch him and keep him from hurting his head and kept him on his side as it happened and i suppose i have my autism to thank for being able to remain so calm. it was my first time having been there when it happened with someone.
the internet might suck these days, but i'm always glad when things you learned from it can be applied to stuff you do or see in the real world. while i'm sure that i've been told in person by someone at some point how to approach someone having a seizure, i mainly remember learning all of this stuff from the internet. at their core, i think most people truly believe in the internet's use for good, connecting people, and offering help when you aren't even aware it will be helpful to you until the moment where it is.
he didn't come into work the next day, but that was expected. we're going to get a different manager soon, so i don't know who it is yet, but i want to tell whoever it is that they shouldn't assign him to work a week straight ever again. his auntie works with us too in a different department, and she mentioned the last time he had a seizure was because he was assigned so many days as well... it's really not good on the body and mind, especially for those with disabilities.
he's been dealing with a lot of stuff lately on top of working so much, so it feels like it was an inevitable thing... i don't like phrasing it that way, though. i don't think suffering should be some inevitable we factor in. i genuinely can't understand why some managers/bosses don't consider past situations or concerns at all and overwork their staff. he isn't even a full time worker. i'm the only one in our group who is. he shouldn't even be assigned hours like that.
i'm just glad that he's okay. i was told his epilepsy meds were adjusted as well, so here's hoping that the new manager we get won't be a bozo and his meds will be helpful. i'll probably see him tomorrow. maybe i'll wake up early and bring him some breakfast to welcome him back?
something nice to come out of the past few days: some firefighters regularly come into the store to do their shopping, as i believe they spend days at a time at the station in case anything happens so they need food. one of them was looking for a certain thing we didn't sell anymore, so i told them they could have ten dollars off instead since employees can offer that every so often.
the firefighter was really happy and even came back around a second time to thank me again and make sure he got my name right, which was nice. :) if i had to trust any sort of government funded group to help or save me, it would definitely be a firefighter.
i was glad i could make someone happy. i usually carry quarters in my pocket to give to the kids that are walking around the store with their parents, so they can use it at the canady machines upfront... but i haven't taken any cash out recently, so i haven't been able to.
in some less happy news, another relative has died. we weren't related i guess, but he was my aunt's father, so it's not like i never met him. when i was younger and still lived in my home state, my family would visit my uncle's house often, and it was big enough to accomodate my aunt's parents too, so everyone could get together and play poker.
i liked going over there because, since they played poker so often with real money, i'd find a ton of loose change literally everywhere on the floor around the house. i'd have a bunch of quarters and stuff by the time we left.
I'm not able to go to the calling hours because I have work... so i feel bad i can't go with my parents. i hope my cousins are doing alright, it's been a while since i last saw any of them.
hopefully this will be the last death for a while. 6 in one year last year was a lot on me. i'm tired of being tired.
my coworkers and i were told to prepare by management for a big clearout of a lot of excess merchandise last week, and i had offered to get up early to buy my two coworkers coffee and breakfast so we could be wide awake and be able to get through the day the best we can. i ended up buying half a dozen donuts for a few other coworkers who were helping, and it was nice to be thanked. this is the second time that I've bought food/lunch for the people I work with and I don't mind it.
i've long since known that the way i express affection to people i like or care about is giving them things, buying them food, or making them sweets. i've spent tons of money on people in the past, because i don't know how else to get my feelings across. mainly because i don't believe my feelings are coming across, like it sounds as empty as words often sound to me.
i've talked plenty on a bunch of other websites about my father being verbally abusive and an absent parental figure who has never paid much attention to anyone unless it was for the sake of himself. i never received any sort of kind words from him, and promises made would always be broken without fail. when you're a kid it's stuff like, going to disneyland, taking a vacation to the beach, things like that— and as you grow older, and nothing ever promised comes true even for the littlest of things that mattered a lot to you, any words of love, support, or generosity don't feel real anymore. they're just words being said for the sake of being said. i always feel bad that there are so many times where the kind words of my friends who are trying to lift me up when i'm down don't make me feel anything, because i know they mean it. i'd hope they mean it, at least, but i've lived so long never taking any good words seriously without some sort of evidence that it's the truth. and to me, that was only ever made clear when i received presents on my birthday or christmas. (at least, when i was still given things. i'm not anymore.) it makes me sound materialistic and it's always made me feel nauseous with discomfort because i feel so guilty at the thought of people giving up anything of theirs or sacrificing anything for me. it's contradictory, i know. i insist i don't need anything ever!!! but deep down i really want it. i do. i want this tangible evidence of love being offered to me so badly. i want to be surprised with gifts. i want to be given things i like. it's the only way i can ever feel like i mean anything because i wasn't raised to believe that the people around me actually care, that they're just saying it to say it. saying it to appease me to i shut up, because it really is so easy to appease me. i've donated to a lot of people all the time in the bsd fandom for instance because i like them and want them to know i like and care about them. one time, i donated to vik for a week straight on top of the commission they were sending me snippets of at the time. it was fun to see them so animated, and it felt like affectionate teasing you do when talking with friends. i've sent lex extra money just because he's always dealing with some bullshit, and i refuse to let him deal with things without some compensation from the psychic damage. i commission art of ships my friends like to gift them, and when i'm able, i'll write fics for them too. in this day and age on the internet, where everyone is much more hostile and inherently assumes the worst of people, this way of me expressing my love has felt even more conflicting. i've seen posts in the past float around with infographics that share the signs of oncoming abuse— gift giving, money giving, love bombing. whenever i see it, i feel weird. because i do that, but i'm not trying to hurt anyone? i have no ill intention? i just get excited at the idea of being close with someone and having another person i can care about. i have literally no other way of feeling i am convincingly expressing what i'm feeling other than this, but being too nice to people these days can even lead to being accused of being an abuser or a groomer. i've even been told some have actually called me that, albeit for their own very bad intentions. which is bold, considering. i just don't know. when i say the words of affection, i mean them, but reading them out makes me feel as if they're not real. words don't ever need to mean anything. humanity just made this all up to communicate with one another, but for me, it feels like there's some invisible barrier. like what i'm saying can't be conveyed with human words. so i get really frustrated. historically, there have been so many people influenced and emotional because of simple words. they make a living speaking words, expressing emotions. maybe it's because those listening truly believe those words mean something, they have actual impact or influence. writers, poets, singers, artists— trying to communicate with the rest of the world is one of the most important ways it's used in humankind. and for some people, it's just a bunch of nothing to get a 16 year old who needs help with his math homework to shut up and leave you alone. everything i've ever given, i've given it with sincerity and care. i think it's probably thanks to my mom that i gained this particular trait in the first place, because she's always thinking of other people and sacrificing everything she wants to do to for their own sake. she always buys me one of those two dollar chocolate boxes for valentines, and stocking stuffers sweets during christmas. when i'm too mentally exhausted to cook and/or my father bought take out for himself again so it's either find something at home or starve, she'll offer to make me an egg or grilled cheese. (it's always an egg or grilled cheese.) she's constantly painting something, making some sort of craft for her family members, and printing decorations out at the library to make sure it's something they'd love. she's always keeping other people in mind when she buys things or does things. she's the only one i know with confidence loves me, when she says she loves me. maybe it's just because she's my mother, but if that were true, one would think i'd feel some iota similar towards my father, but i don't. nothing 'kind' he has ever said matters anymore. rest assured, all the negativity, threats, and violence has never lost its effect. i don't know. this is all to say, it made me happy to feel someone genuinely appreciated what i gave them. i have no qualms about it being my 'love language' and the only way i feel satisfied is 'proper affection'... but i know there are people out there who maybe aren't comfortable with it. they don't want to feel like they have some sort of obligation or responsibility to do xyz or talk with you or anything. i guess it's kind of funny that while my love language is gift giving/materialistic, i myself am avoidant of it because it makes me feel guilty. i say i'm stupid for a reason. i'm losing track of my train of thought now... so this is all. i hope i can be loved some day.
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I realized too little too late that this theme doesn't have a tagging system built into it, compared to the other one made by this creator that does. When I have a better understanding of coding and don't just rely on templates, maybe I'll adjust it on here... I'm just really attached to the cute Madoka chibi on the pinned post of the blog, so I want to keep him there. He is watching you... He's also an asshole and I care him dearly.
Anyway, here's to hoping that making a neocities and a blog to go with it will help my productivity and mental positivity because well. Right now, it's just rough to be on twitter. I stay there to keep updated with how my friends are doing as well as the posts of my favorite dazai/ranpo creators but otherwise, being there is miserable. People are filled with so much hate and a sense of moral self-righteousness over even the simplest of conversation topics. Not everything you like, talk, or think about needs to be critically picked apart.
Quite frankly, as tedious as it is to learn coding to make posts and stuff, it makes me cherish what's finished a little more because I put a stupid amount of effort in it.
Especially the gallery of all my commissions! I've been having so much fun uploading them and checking out how it looks on the page itself. I'm glad I stumbled upon that theme... But I'm not too happy about the download feature. It's dumb and I don't want my commissions downloaded anyway.
I'll figure out how to completely get rid of it eventually.
come closer... i will tell you...
i love daran
a lot of people don't know what my handle i use everywhere (if it's available) is actually from but it's this guy
very few characters have changed my entire brain circuitry and trajectory of my life like rchimedes
one day we'll get a timeline where he's happy with his family.........
This is a test post and I didn't know what to put here so here's art a friend drew for me like four years ago of Rchimedes in Ranpo's outfit.